Storms a comin’

Life isn’t what I imagined it 10 years ago.  Ten years ago I had two young sons, and was still moderately in love with the man I lived with. I still had faith that my life would be better, that things would change and everything would be okay in the end.  This was all while I was still young an impressionable, naive, and lost in what I wanted to do.  I still dreamed of the white picket fence, the nice house, and a dog in the yard.

I’ve learned a lot since then.  I do not regret them, but I still sometimes examine them and wonder if things would be different if I had done something different.  Until just over a year ago, I never knew my inner strength, my inner power over my own life.  I walked out of a 12 year relationship, and started over again from scratch.  I had nothing besides my kids, a bit of odds and ends,  my job and of course my friends.  I would not have made it otherwise.  I would have gone back if I had not had people telling me that I deserved better.

I understand that now.  The person I was is just a shadow of the person I am now.   I have changed on the inside in subtle ways. I can see with new eyes.  But I still have so much to learn.

I still have problems with confidence, of being secure in my decisions.  I second guess my self at times.  I pause and put off decisions and it has cost me.  Its a lot of insecurity still that I am trying to master.  Its difficult at times to remember to think about what you want when you have put everyone else ahead of yourself for such a long time.

For the next two days, I will be focusing on getting a new job.  Yesterday I have had enough with my boss.  The fact of the matter is she doesn’t really care about anything except her own well being.  She is going to get everyone else fired eventually.  I almost told her off yesterday, and that takes a lot of doing to make me angry enough for me to lose my temper.  I hold my tongue probably when I should not, but I almost let it lose.  Instead I made up an excuse and went home.  Next time I won’t hold back, because hopefully I won’t have to be here any more.


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