Contentment, yes, I’m happy.

I have a few friends that are concerned about my well being.  It seems that my sense of humor – dry in the first place – has dried up and blown away. And perhaps I have been a bit obsessive about my writing.  It worries them that I don’t have “fun” like I used to.

Okay I can admit, I don’t get excited about some of the things I used to.  There was a time when my life revolved around a few things such as gaming. At the time I needed that escape.  We all need them sometimes. Places we can go so that we don’t make bloody smears in our houses or scream at our children when we don’t mean it.  I also needed it to help adjust to weeks of an empty house when the kids were at their dad’s.

During that time I met a great group that I gamed with on WoW.  We cut up, poked fun at each other and did silly things.  For a long time we were a very tight group. Then, life changed, as it usually does, people got busy, lost interest, or just didn’t have the funds.  I played with my core group less and less.  Then I just quit playing.

That was a year ago, and I can admit I miss some of it.  I miss my friends and funny stuff and wiping on dungeons just because someone accidentally pulled a boss when half the crew was taking a break. It was fun. Silly. And I admit I need more of that in my life.

However, I also realize that at my peak of gaming, it was also a crutch.  I didn’t deal with things that needed to be dealt with. While I was happy in the game, I was not happy outside the game. That was a huge problem.

My gaming time tapered off, and I found something else that made me happy: Writing.

It is a different kind of happiness that I have found.  It isn’t silly, at times it is completely frustrating, but at the same time absolutely fun, for me at least. I am the kind of person who is self motivated and likes challenges.  Writing and gaming are very similar in that aspect. For me, a hard math problem is in the same category of fun as throwing snowballs at my boys.  (Believe me it is a challenge to hit them they run faster than I do!) I have to work at them in order to succeed. Gaming takes the same amount of concentration as writing because I need to be immersed in the world in order to write it. I also enjoy research.  I’ve spent a week researching ways to destroy a world, defining different dragons, and even going into odd tangents of society of the 1920’s.  And no I don’t share this with most of my friends, I don’t know how I would explain why I wanted to know these things and I’m sure they’d think I’m nuts when I try to explain how all of this is combined.

Sure, I’m not a happy-go-lucky kind of person, and I just do not get slapstick humor, but that does not mean that I am not having fun.  It is just different than most people.  I am very happy to work on editing or writing or a puzzle book (just don’t give me a crossword puzzle please) when I can’t go out and do things.  I’ll happily show my boys how to tie knots for a necklace along with snuggling with a book.  That frown you see on my face might not be unhappiness, it might be concentration.

Could there be more “fun” in my life?  Sure, but there are things that I can’t control right now.  I do tend to bury myself in things that make me either forget or make me somewhat happy so I don’t worry about those things- writing and edits are good options for this. I talk to B when there is something that makes me UNHAPPY. I accept that there are things I can not deal with right now (mostly financial) and plan to take care of them as soon as I can.

I guess you can say I am content.  That isn’t a bad place to be. I’m not bouncing off the walls in a  manic mood or drowning in depression.  I’m at a steady place I like to be. I have my days when I’m a lot happier or more sad, but I don’t mind where I’m at right now.

I do apologize about my distant tendencies.  There are times when it is much easier to just say ehhh on something than admit that I’d really like to do something and not sure if I want to commit or don’t have the funds to do something. Yea, back to that if I say I don’t care it isn’t going to bother me reaction.

Just ask my boys, Friday night we talked about the impending zombie apocalypse and what weapons we wanted.  We have regular game nights where I get my tail kicked at Mario or Guitar Hero, on the other hand I do kick but in Battleship and Chess.  I just do it at home where my online friends don’t see.  I promise  I have fun. 😀

I’m going to try to work gaming back into my habits. Maybe 2 nights a week, if my computer will handle it.  After the wipe last year, it hasn’t been the same.  WoW this weekend, then EVE.  Not promising anything but I do miss having fun with my crew.


2 responses to “Contentment, yes, I’m happy.

  1. Good for you, Shadow!

    I think that someone who is confident in what they like and can find appreciation with life in ways that most don’t are pretty darn special. Content is good.

    Keep on keepin’ on, lady!
    microbes and taserbeams



  2. Hi Shadow, I agree with a lot of things in your post – it was like reading about my own experience!

    I was an RPG ‘addict’ for many years, gamesmaster/story teller for a small but dedicated group. But I found that I wanted time to develop my stories in other ways. I knew I wanted to write novels, and as much as it was great fun to game there wasn’t time in my life for both. Solitary occupation that it is, writing can seem to non-writers as a dull way to spend your evenings, but really it’s a great source of fulfillment. When I go back into the living room to join my wife after spending an evening apart while I write, she says I look at peace, relaxed, like I had fun. No stress. If writing became my day job, that would be awesome 🙂

    I stopped gaming ten years ago. I still miss it. But as you say, life moves on. We have to pursue our dreams. Good for you that you are still having fun too.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s